That Drifting Excrement Was Way Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.
Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the recent year, a handful of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. Ranging from awkward spin-offs to confusingly bad documentaries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate follow-up? Plagued with woeful scripts, painful character development (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series fought to find its footing. For a moment, as the third season started, it looked like it had at last hit its stride. Then arrived an installment all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner announced this would be the last season. It concluded on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo full of poo was simply too symbolic. Yet, fans certainly found joy picking apart every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The subject of a very rare zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to begin enumerating the problems. The hilariously wooden dialogue? The tedious glorification of affluence and consumption? The almost wilful procession of cliches? Performances so bad they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this show again. Except, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the legal troubles, domestic violence claims and fatherly failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d truly have gleaned it from this multi-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive hedonism while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this series might evoke should be saved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charismatic but flippant egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Of course we understood it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely reacted when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Shady characters meeting in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
Actually, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a little dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to indulge baffling accents. But there were many other problems. Mainly that it was just really dull; a dispute over drug-selling territory between various cockney rogues which seemed rather simplistic.
With Love, Meghan
Considering the extent to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s performatively enraged commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into twee lifestyle as deliberate provocations. But then you watch them and are compelled to concede that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle magazine animated; a poster for evening drinks with delusions of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, sentimental sayings and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All supported by vast, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this documentary series opted not to say them. Instead, the experience was like reading a marketing brochure. She clearly has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any favours with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality managing her estate. What more could you ask for? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s still too complicated to explain what exactly was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something far greater than it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How does one follow a show that captured a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity cameos involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not even good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the smart recruitment of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A recurring sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known irate mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lumbering from oddly breezy, somewhat stylised farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A total mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We love the lead actor … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could ruin society? No! This international thriller about secret services spying on – and killing off – intellectuals frankly got more absurd by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator notorious for sexual exploits as she undertook her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was far greater examination of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the now-famous mum who appeared to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.